I really want to love the holidays. Really, I do. But I get so apprehensive this time of year. November and December are there, glaring at me from the calendar all year long.
My birthday frustrates me. It’s so close to Thanksgiving, I always feel lucky if I even get remembered at all. I always want more that I feel I deserve, which is 100% successful in leading to disappointment.
Thanksgiving food is delicious, but so much work for one person to create a feast of that magnitude.
Christmas. Well. Christmas is a lot of work. I always want to give more than I have time and money for. After all the wrapping paper is collected in trash bags, the empty boxes can leave me feeling so empty inside too. Like all that effort, planning, hoping for positive reactions to the gifts I took such time to make, has it been appreciated? Was it worth it? All that time and money I spent on others, and I really want to spend it all on myself, just for once. I want to treat myself to as nice of a Christmas as I try to give others.
Is this feeling of longed – for selfishness normal? Does it make me a bad person for feeling that way? I know in my head that I shouldn’t want STUFF, but I do. I can’t help it. I have an amazon shopping cart with parked items almost as long as my wish list. Things I want to buy for myself, and can never justify spending the money on.
The holidays bring all this up for me, every year. I’ve actually gotten better! I used to dread December so much, now it’s more like a rain cloud on the horizon and less like a tornado of tormented feeling bearing down on me.
Who can say why I feel the way I do. I fight it. Feeling worthy is one of my inner demons. I fight with it, I want to feel worthy, I want to say to myself “yes, I love gifts! Please, shower me with presents, I deserve it.” But I just can’t.
Honestly. Maybe gifts is one of my love languages, and that particular cup isn’t getting full enough. It’s hard to be against blatant consumerism while at the same time wanting gifts. I’m such a hypocrite.
Another reason the holidays are hard is because I want to decorate and bake. My home is just too tiny to decorate and without electricity I can’t really justify running Christmas lights outside. We have no room for a tree, or even a wreath. I have no (real) oven to bake delicious things for my family in.
I was expecting to have our house done by Christmas this year. Considering it’s the last week in November and all we have is a stack of lumber sitting in a spot of cleared land, I guess it’s just one more thing I won’t get this year.
Ugh, I just feel like such a Debbie Downer. So many problems in the world and I’m upset because I have a birthday near a major holiday, I don’t get as many gifts as I want, and I dont have a bigger house. Boo-hoo. First world problems I guess.